Together in Grief

[a_vacant_grave]

Batman both does and does not want to be here.

He does, because Nightwing is one of the few people who can understand the depth of the loss that preceded this recent loss of Robin... of Jason. And he does not, because Nightwing in his understanding also loathes Batman as much as Batman loathes himself.

They swore never to let this kind of loss happen again, and Batman broke that promise. Batman has failed both his sons.

But...

Dick is not yet lost to him. And he owes it to Dick to explain things, in his own words and in person.

****

When Batman contacts Titans Tower, he is in Manhattan. The glass and steel structure of the tower is visible from his vantage point, but he is not on the island itself. He's always so particular about who he lets operate within his own territory... he ought to respect the territory of others, at least to start this confrontation off on as good a note as possible.

The connection goes through -- so his communicator signal isn't automatically blocked. It could be a good sign.

"Nightwing," he says, "We need to talk. I'm here and... we can do so face to face."

Comments

[iamthenightwing]

There's no acknowledgement from the other end of the communicator, only the slight static and noise of breathing indicating that the message has been heard.

But a few minutes later, Bruce will hear the noise of footsteps landing on the roof behind him.

Dick isn't trying to hide his arrival. He wants Bruce to hear.

[a_vacant_grave]

"Nightwing," he says quietly.

He turns, tensed and expecting an attack.

[iamthenightwing]

Dick is happy to oblige the expectation, as he greets Bruce with a haymaker across the jaw.

[a_vacant_grave]

Bruce takes the blow and staggers back several steps.

And he makes no move to retaliate, or even defend. He just straightens up again and looks at Dick -- working his jaw for a moment to make sure nothing is broken.

"I hate me, too," he says then. "I hate that I made so many mistakes and that Jason paid for them."

Let's not dance around the truth, after all. They both know why they're here, and talking about Jason is the entire point.

[iamthenightwing]

'I hate me, too.' Dick barely suppresses the bitter laughter that wants to erupt.

What does it matter? What does it *change*? Jason is still *dead.* The little brother Dick had just been getting to know, the unexpected addition to their family whose adoption Dick had to find out from Superman and whose death Dick had to find out from the Titans. And after all Bruce has and hasn't done since, the answering machines Dick has filled with grief and the all-consuming *silence* from the father who had fired him, and now *this*?

Dick doesn't attack further. What's the point? He just shakes his head and looks away.

"Why are you here?" he asks, voice heavy and rough.

[a_vacant_grave]

"Because... you deserve to talk to me in person about everything." Bruce takes a breath. "Because I've done so much wrong by you that I can never make right, but I can't keep being a coward about facing you."

Bruce keeps looking at Dick, at the tense profile of his face because he won't look in Bruce's direction.

"I tried to control him like I did you. I should have learned from what happened when I took Robin from you, but I didn't. It drove him away, it drove him to search for his birth mother." Bruce swallows hard, and his voice is more strangled as he continues. "His investigation and mine brought us back together, and I thought we could still... fix everything. I thought there was time. I..."

The words, as ever, fail him.

[iamthenightwing]

"You were wrong. And he *died*," Dick spits accusingly.

"Why, Bruce? Why did you leave him to face the Joker alone?"

[a_vacant_grave]

"Joker had tainted the medical supplies being sent out from the camp. I had to intercept them, or the other refugee camps would have been poisoned." Bruce presses his lips together hard, and looks up for a moment, trying to summon self control by sheer will alone. "He promised... and I trusted that he wouldn't move against the Joker. Endanger all those people... or trust my partner."

'What would you have done?' He wants to demand. If Dick wants to condemn him, if Dick wants to believe that there was a better option...

But no, he leaves that unsaid.

"He... Sheila, his mother... said he went to protect her."

[iamthenightwing]

His mother... oh, God. Dick can see the horrifying choice unfold behind his eyes, his brain flashing over the possibilities. What would Dick have chosen if it had been him instead? Sent Jason after the shipment while he went after the Joker? But Jason wasn't nearly as good a driver, not yet. It had to be Batman who went. And to ask Jason to stay put while the Joker went after his mother? Dick knows full well what he would have chosen, in Jason's shoes.

No. The situation was unsolvable with the two of them. Dick knows exactly what the problem was.

"I should have been there," he chokes out, tears finally coming. "I could have helped him. So he wouldn't have to do it alone."

[a_vacant_grave]

Bruce closes the distance between them as Dick starts to cry, and wraps his arms around Dick's shoulders. He fights a losing battle against his own tears as he chokes out, "You didn't know. You couldn't have known. It's not your fault, Dick."

[iamthenightwing]

"I should have been there for him," Dick repeats, shoulders slumping as he trembles with sobs. "From the beginning. I should have known he was struggling. I should have been a brother."

[a_vacant_grave]

"I didn't let you," Bruce says brokenly. "My own fucking pride was more important to me than being a good father."

He should have apologized to Dick, explained his reasons -- both the fear that drove him to try to protect Dick by firing him as Robin, and the desire to protect Jason from life on the streets that had him taking the younger boy in. But he hadn't. He'd stewed in his own affront and self-righteousness, and more or less pitted his former and current partners against each other.

Worthless, prideful fool... doing nothing but damage to those he loves.

[iamthenightwing]

Dick shakes his head, putting up both of his hands.

"Stop. Just... stop. We both made mistakes. And neither of us could have known it would lead to... *this.*"

"The hardest thing about being a hero is that we can't save everyone. Even the ones closest to us."

[a_vacant_grave]

Bruce returns to Gotham City soon after talking with Dick. He tells Alfred that Dick will be visiting to pay his respects to Jason, and Alfred takes the news with the usual stoic approval.

(The meal that Alfred prepares in anticipation is geared toward portability -- sandwiches that can be eaten warm or cold, fancy lemonade that can easily be stored in a Thermos. Bruce isn't quite sure how to take it, as a sign that Alfred thinks Dick might storm out and they should have food on hand to shove at him before he goes? He doesn't dare suggest that Alfred not cook for them. It wouldn't go over well.)

And then, on the agreed upon day of Dick's visit, trouble arises at one of the Luthor-original sites that Wayne Enterprises has taken over. Dealing with that takes the entire morning and a significant chunk of the afternoon, and when Bruce hurries back to the Manor (still in civilian clothes) it's to the sight of Dick's motorcycle already parked in the circular drive.

He takes a steadying breath and walks up to the front door, unlocking it and stepping inside the Manor.

[iamthenightwing]

"Bruce."

The greeting -- or acknowledgement, more like -- is simple, with an undercurrent of emotion.

Dick feels like there's so much to say. So much that he needs to say. But he can't find the words, and he feels damned for it.

[a_vacant_grave]

Oh, of course. Of course Dick would be waiting in the foyer, and Bruce would get no more time to compose himself. Bruce gives a small nod of acknowledgement to Dick, before pulling off his outer jacket and hanging it on the nearby coat rack.

Then he walks over and reaches out to give Dick a supportive squeeze on the shoulder. (It's an opener -- if Dick reacts badly, Bruce can simply drop the contact. But if Dick allows it, he'll get pulled into a hug.)

[iamthenightwing]

The gesture of physical contact, of reassurance, is unexpected. And somehow, that small kindness is suddenly overwhelming.

Can't you see what your gentle

Insanities do to me?

Rob me of anger and give me despair! Blows and abuse

I can take and give back again,

Tenderness I cannot bear!

The quote springs to mind unbidden.

Jason had loved musicals. Dick had always meant to watch some with him.

He feels moisture under his eyes, and dabs at them.

[a_vacant_grave]

It feels rote and sort of stupid, but Bruce says, "Thank you for coming."

'Thank you for putting aside our fights long enough to give yourself some peace,' perhaps.

He holds Dick for a little while longer before stepping back and taking in the appearance of his elder son.

[iamthenightwing]

Dick draws back, wiping at his face again. It's pretty obvious that he's tearing up, and his voice is watery as he says, "Yeah. Yeah, I..."

He shakes his head, trailing off.

It's all hitting him now. He'd grieved before, but the sudden realness of it is overwhelming, and he can't stop himself from saying, "He's really gone, isn't he?"

[a_vacant_grave]

Bruce nods, and forces himself to say, in a rough and tearful voice, "Yes. Yes, he is."

It takes him a moment to remember to wipe away his own tears.

There's a small, awkward cough from the doorway leading into one of the parlors. Alfred is standing there, back at-attention-rigid. Alfred is blinking rapidly, the only motion to his blank, controlled expression. "Sirs," he says, and his voice cracks.

[iamthenightwing]

"Alfred." Dick approaches him for a hug, seeking both to comfort him and to get comfort himself. "How are you holding up? We haven't talked."

[a_vacant_grave]

Alfred hesitates only a moment, swallowing hard to keep his composure, before returning the hug. "We endure, Master Dick," he replies. And his voice is softer, strained, when he says, "I did not feel that I was the one you ought to talk to first, dear boy."

Bruce winces a little at that -- the idea that he hurt Alfred as well in his delay to speak with Dick -- but he says nothing as he approaches the two of them.

All that's left of his family, broken again.

[iamthenightwing]

Dick hugs Alfred close for a long moment before turning away and looking back at Bruce. And in that moment, despite everything else, Dick is swept up in emotion, and pulls Bruce in for a hug, too.

[a_vacant_grave]

The gesture, and the truce -- however temporary -- it represents, is a hammer blow to Bruce's armor. He holds Dick and Alfred close for a moment, and then presses a kiss to Dick's hair.

He can't lose them, too. He has to protect them, even if it means that Dick will leave again. At least Dick will be alive if Bruce maintains his course of action. How to explain that to Dick? Can it even be explained? For now, he remains tearfully silent.

[iamthenightwing]

Alfred allows the moment to go on for a little bit, before he finally clears his throat quietly.

"Master Bruce," he says. "I know you were preoccupied this morning with business matters. Would you two care to eat before...?" he trails off slightly, leaving the rest unsaid.

Dick nods gratefully. "Yeah. That's... that'd be good, Alfred. I haven't eaten today, either."